WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
25.2.02
Seconds ago I got this message on my phone, thanks to the glory of SMS, I am now in shock, and confused.
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I'm kinda feeling bad at the moment as I have been for the last few months. I was not very nice to you and for that I am really sorry. really really. I hope you can.....[end of message one]....[start of message two]....accept my apology=:0) please let me know if ya do or don't cause I want to make it up to you if its possible. again i'm really sorry
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I am thinking this may be step two in a AA regime, step one admit you have a problem, step two apologise to those you have hurt!
This is the only solution I can think of...
I am really not sure how to take this...AA or teendrug group. At the moment I can only think of the wound that has just been opened up again. The past leaves scars...that is a scar, I was planning on never revisiting. That plan went out the window didn't it?
I am trying not to do anything drastic. I am trying to remain composed. I am trying to complete sentences, nothing is working. It has sucked in my comprehendible logic, my [lame] English skills, my sanity, my ability to converse competently.
This entry I guess will be presenting my stupidity, my lack of reason, and logical thinking. Everything seems to running around in my head. Nothing is working right now. Thoughts, the past, the present, the future and a lot of why? questions keep circling.
I am unsure of what I am feeling at the moment, I simply cannot find words to label the feelings and emotions that are running through my mind at the moment. And just think I beginning to fit in again....I found my place....Peta, Zoe, Marnie, Alicia, Bec. And now she makes me second guess what I feel. I hate her for that. For making me second guess me feelings.
I am trying to remain confident. I am just coming out of my shell, so to speak. I am not gonna let her stomp on me and my self-esteem again. I found friends, I found gay friends. I have come out. I am becoming myself. A confident self. Thanks to techno music, the Termo, and the people who have facilitated my emergence.
I will survive. [how very Tina Turner of me, hehe]
OK, my dodgy humour has returned. I think I will be fine. I am resiting the urge to respond the the SMS with "what the fuck do you want?" So I think I am going well so far.
I am bleeding on the inside, but I am not going to let her see me angered by her actions. She wins if I show that side of me. She does not deserve to pull the wool over my eyes again. I have become more aware of my surroundings, and the people around me since we split, so I will never lose that again, EVER!
I am still finding myself on edge right now though......I am just not sitting right...something is off. I think I need to calm down. Getting messages out of the blue like this is not good for your emotions. [or my pulse/anger levels] but I know I still have a heart beat/pulse as I can feel it in the side of my neck without needing to look for it. Not healthy I am sure, but that is how I reacted, nonetheless.
I am angry. I am not responding yet. I need to clam don't before I say something I regret.
