THINKING OF US
7.5.02

More deep and insightful conversation with Jem continued last night on the phone. Missed her first call, so I called back hoping she hadn’t gone to sleep or diverted that phone as well. She hadn’t so we talked again for about two and a bit hours, so we are still talking. I was really worried about her not wanting to talk to me ever again after Sunday night’s conversation. Purely because I wouldn’t have felt too comfortable talking to someone who pretty much admitted to having a crush on me, and who asked me how they saw the situation.

“Where do you draw the line between being nice and hitting on me?”

That was my way of phrasing the point in question. I really couldn’t have put it any other way without putting myself way to close to being on the line. I was not ready for the total rejection that was bound to be a possibility had I done so. I wanted to know where we stood, but not jeopardise what friendship we had already formed. This friendship and Jem mean the world to me. I feel we have connected on a pretty deep level, and have formed an openness of communication. I value that.

Was noted last night that since the first time we had talked almost to the day is 2 months. I know so much about her for the two months we have had to converse and to open ourselves. I feel extraordinarily comfortable and trusting of Jem not to take what I tell her and run around with it showing to world. I just know she wouldn’t do that.

This is the first time in ages I have made a new friend. I have met people and formed relationships at the acquaintance and companion levels but not a true friendship. I could tell her anything. I have only found a few select people throughout my life that I could be that open with. Without fear of losing the channel of communication. I have some friends that would listen and act as a sounding board for discussions but there is only so much stuff they want to hear, and there is only so much stuff that I would feel comfortable telling them.

I cherish all of my friends.

I have emotions that have not been displayed to those parties, I hope they understand what they meant o me, as I wouldn’t be who I am today without them, without them asking me to look deeper into myself.

All too often I hide behind a facade that I put up to remove my ever-present emotions from situations. I hide behind the ideal of ‘staying strong’ I do not display what I feel at times of importance. I remove emotions, I push down what I am feeling to present the image that I am handling the situation. I push down the thought that I have weaknesses. I show that I am strong and stable.

I am weak. I simply cannot show what I feel, and that makes me weak, I am not strong enough to display the truth.

I need to be stronger to admit my weakness and frailty.