PERPETUAL CONFUSION AND ANGER
13.06.02

Just getting off the phone with Jem, seems like the best thing to do right, now. I cannot really put into words what I want to say to her, about her, about us, about me. But I know I need to. I know whatever words I use to formulate my dodgy sentences that they will not, not ever, portray to the accuracy that I feel about those topics.

I want to let her know that she means the world to me, but what she has been doing has been plaguing on my mind for considerable hours over the past weekend. What does she want? What do I want? Are either of these desires going to align? Is there really a future for us, at all, as friends, or as partners? I truly hope there is a future that is spilling out in front of us, but at the moment, I cannot see it.

Everything seems foggy, with her confusion, my confusion, and our collective inability’s to analyse and look at our little bit of the world and see what it is doing to those in it and those affected by eth outcomes of it. I want her to know how I feel for her, and what I feel and think about her. But as my words are inefficiently used all she seems to be getting from me at the moment is either more confusion, perpetual, or now even anger.

I meant a lot to her that I came over. Yes I get that. But I came over with the intent of talking about something that was important enough to make her call me up and get me to react to coming over. I wanted to see if she was ok, to see how she was doing. That intent in its purest form was not fulfilled, and contradictory stuff occurred. Physical intimacy ensued, but really was that us, was that meant to be happening. IN retrospect it wanted it to happen, and I have always wanted it to happen, but I also want us to have a strong well-built sturdy foundation to our relationship. I feel that we do indeed have that foundation, but that its reality is often skewed by our misinterpretations of words, and construing opinions from the misinterpreted words, is not helping us develop our relationship at all.

I fear that anything I say will push her to go too far and I do not want her to pull away from me.

I don’t want to be angry at her, I don’t think I am fully convicted in any anger based feelings I have at the moment, someone hurt and rejected, but that is understood with the surrounding circumstances and again the ever present confusion, as to both direction and conviction of desires.

Jem asked if she has sucessfully ripped out my heart and tore it into little pieces. Unless he walks away form me I will not be crushed, hurt, sure, but not crushed. I will get past the initial feelings of rejection, that are all based in my deep seated low self esteem problems. The problems I do not feel she completely understands which is entirely my fault as I have not let her see these. Not all of them, sure she knows I am not always ego driven, and need others to assist my confidence, and this she does, and I appreciate, but this is deeper that telling me I am good, and that I know it. Because at the time I don’t know it.

Sure what I was doing was gauging a favourable reaction, but in my inexperience, I had not clue, I was working with what was happening at the time, working from what her reactions were. I was jumping in at the deep end.

Scared.

Now I am just scared that I might lose her, I am aware that she has told me she won’t do that, I can only base my perceptions of future action on what I have seen so far, which when it comes to me, and Jem trying not to ‘play with my head’ it hasn’t worked out that well. Maybe we simply do not envisage the impact our words and actions have on the other person. How much we are both relying on the other person, for stability, for support.

How are you supposed to react when someone tells you they are sad, or angry, or upset, or pissed off? Because I have not reacted, I don’t know how to react, what to do, or what to say in such situations. I wish I had the magical words of wisdom and consolation but as of yet they are eluding me. I wish I could make people around me, specifically Jem, see the world in a brighter more positive light. Past experiences are clouding perceptions of the future, and what it holds.

Please forgive me if none of this made any sense at all, I am writing this to vent, to express, to let out what I am feeling without hopefully causing any immediate pain to anyone. Words I verbalise this evening/morning [currently 1.48am] seem to let me down, I cannot express what I am wanting to say without having other construe disillusioned ideas of my intentions.

I do not feel that Jem is using me for anything with respect to anything less than honourable, but I guess my views and desires, [and low self-esteem] some how wish she was. So that I could fill the physicality of my life. I do not have enough touch in my life. I am starved of touch. Brought up to think of touch as shadowed intimacy, and having that perception blown out of the water recently has thrown my life off kilter. The foundation I have based my thoughts, perceptions and ideologies upon has moved and many of my views have shifted because of this. I am seeing things in our physically relationship, such as hand holding, and hugging, and cuddling, as more than what they have often been intended as because, I feel, of my background and my prior exclusion from those activities.

I have just begun holding people. Until the age of about 19/20 I do not think I was open to holding people. Much of which is emanating from my conceived ideas that after the death of my father I was to take on the stereotypical strong family figure, and that somehow excluding finding pleasure and appreciation in holding people. This is a foreign concept to me. Sure I could always hug and greetings and farewells but outside of that, I just didn’t do it. Walking blind into a realm of the unknown I how I feel at the moment.

I somehow feel that my naivety in this area is being taken advantage of, even if it isn’t, I feel it is, because each time I hold somebody the intent and importance to me may not be the same, or anywhere near the same, level of importance to the person whom I am holding.

I am simply confused. I am not settled within myself. I am relying on others more experienced than my to guide me, often with a false sense of security that they, on their own, will lead me to the other side of the fog.

I must work towards doing this for myself, putting more of the onus back on my to push myself through these period of uncertainty and walk through to the other side without necessarily relying entirely on others. More so when the others are presenting a false sense of knowledge and experience and who are really just as lost and confused as I am.