ANXIETY AND FEAR
13.06.02

I am currently distracted by the last standing resemblance of my relationships being in such disrepair. Everything seems to be working against what I want at the moment. People are leaving. People are withdrawing. I wish somewhat that the world would stop running away with my life long enough for me to sort some of it out. A time out needs to be called.

I need to step back from everything and assess what I want from my relationships.

The feeling of rejection has hit me harder than I thought it ever would. I guess having feelings for the person whom effectively ‘ripped my heart out’, is bound to cause pain. But the fact I have ended up on my arse. Totally knocked over. I hate this feeling of less than ample control, or knowledge of what is happening.

I need to know what is going through her mind, I need to know what is happening to make her say, act, react the way she is. I knew that our relationship was having a serious effect on me, but I was unaware and how much it really would pain me to be seen as insufficient to help her.

Making the judgement that I, myself, am not capable or perhaps even willing to hold up our relationship, until the other person becomes stronger/stable hurts me. The fact that this was made without giving me an opportunity to prove that I am or am not so duly capable, give me the shits. I may very well not be capable of such support, but the effort to try, the effort I am willing to exert in trying to make stuff work out for the best, for both of us, has not been tested, or even asked.

The things I want to know now are: Where we stand? What I mean to her? Whether she knows how much she means to me? How much or relationship means to both of us? Perhaps a bit too much to be asking now, but that is what I need to know before investing much more effort into something that I see no reward in.